i went to the woods because i wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if i could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when i came to die, discover that i had not lived.  -henry david thoreau-

yes please.

it’s hard not to pay attention when you get your face smashed into the ground.  its been a strange week and a half.  i lost my voice, acquired a crazy stalker, got my voice back, then pummeled myself head first into some lawn chairs, and now i’ve got blisters lining the insides of my throat.  i’ve teetered between the thoughts of, ‘am i dying?’ and ‘good god, i’ve never felt more alive in my life.’

it’s some effed up shit.  but i’ve realized.. this is living.  and i love it.  something about feeling constant physical pain mixed with the unsettling feeling caused by a crazy person’s ‘affections’ for you just kind of wakes you up a bit.  and suddenly everything around me is humming that old familiar tune that is beauty and life..  

so congratulations me, you’re alive.  

really, i’d just like to take a huge luscious bite right out of life and let it consume my entire body until all i see is burning, burning, burning.. 

this is the earliest i’ve been in bed since well, i can remember. chances are i’ll lay here for a good hour or two. writing. listening to music. thinking. existing. and i’ll just tell myself, like my mom did when i was little and couldn’t sleep during naps, that i’m at least resting my body by laying here. haha, what a clever thing to say mom.

last night, after the little half hike i took, something started making my heart hurt. like, physically hurt. which is strange because usually it is figuratively hurting. but it hasn’t stopped ever since. all day it has been hurting. like someone set a rock on my chest for a couple of hours and now it just feels like my heart is bruised. it hurts to breathe. it hurts to laugh. it hurts to just..lay here. i’m not sure what is going on, but i have never been so physically aware of my actual heart existing inside of my body than i have been today. and while it’s painful, a part of me has grown to like it. funny enough, i had more than one moment today where i was so overwhelmed with contentment and, what i can only guess to be, pure happiness that i felt like my heart might just completely burst inside of me. there was nothing done to warrant these feelings, they were just there. i’m almost convinced this is how i will die..exploding heart syndrome.  happy and full.  maybe i shouldn’t think about how i will die. but i do.

i’m so tired. and my heart is still doing this hurty thing. my life is so utterly and completely fantastic, as much as it has been swallowed with spurts of excruciating pain and misery. it really is beautiful. i just want to stop and be thankful for that. for all of it. and on the chance that my heart explodes in my sleep tonight, i know that i have at least done that. and that i have at least loved the best i’ve known how. i’m hoping it doesn’t though, on account that there is still pretty much everything that i have left to do in this life.

goodnight lovers.

i don’t feel much tonight, and yet i think it’s because i feel too much. life has been so good lately that the hole i want filled most seems bigger than usual. i want to share all of these things.. i think i could just burst. but i think learning how to be ok right now is good. this process is good. i need to learn how to just live..to not have to depend on the things i have depended on for so long in order to feel ok about life. this is it. i’m alive. the holes will fill themselves when they need to. and i can already feel myself becoming more whole as they do.