phew.  what a glorious few days i’ve just had.  there’s nothing quite like a weekend in the mountains with your best friends in the universe, hot tubs, coffee, margs, laughing, eating, beautiful things, sleeping, loving, more laughing, hearts, and just simply living.  truly living.  for a moment it felt like i had actually pulled off my one and only dream of life: running away.  in a way i did.  and the world was at my feet.. wild and unending.  my heart is a little bit bigger now i’m sure.  

also, i added some new photogs today..

i love everything today.  goddamn everything.

a couple things:

firstly, i have recently had the overwhelming desire to just not give a fuck about anything lately.  the fact that i want to use the word ‘fuck’ all the time is a prime example of this.  i have typically hated this word.  i just want to not care if i end up completely destroying myself on something, on someone.  it’s this wanting to live in poverty in some strange way, or to at least touch it; to sleep on a mattress on the floor with all my earthly possessions lining the edges around me.  it’s having nothing but feeling like i have everything i could ever want or need.  its wanting food when i need to eat, a friend when i need to laugh and cry, clothes that hang off of me in ways that make me feel like i could move any way i wanted.  it’s pillows, it’s a room with lots of windows to let the sun in,  it’s cigarettes, warm blankets, bodies all tangled together, hearts, music, flying, pictures across the walls.  it’s not having control, it’s all things wild, raw, writing on napkins, more loving, things made of sugar, sidewalks, drunken nights on dark streets where i feel completely at home in my own skin.  it’s feeling utterly alive because i don’t have all the little things that i usually use to distract myself with to keep me from feeling it all.  it’s wanting to just let things fall apart if they need to and knowing that everything is perfectly ok.  it’s being reckless but not unruly.  subsequently, the more this desire has welled up inside of me, the more i have seen my life fall exactly where it is supposed to fall.. perhaps inviting, or at least embracing, chaos yields some sort of order in life?

secondly, more than anything, i wish i could record my dreams and watch them anytime i wanted.  this includes visual and audio.  i’ve said this for quite some time to those who know me.  i can’t tell you how many times i’ve invented something glorious in my dreams and then woke up the next morning only to realize that there is no way of recounting it well enough to actually make it.  i’ve also created quite a few songs that, if i may say so without being too bold, are absolutely fucking beautiful.  and again, if i could only play them back then perhaps i could actually make them real.  all i’m saying is there has to be some way to make this happen.  technology is practically ruling the world these days.  if we can turn people into robots, then we can certainly figure out a way to record our magical dreams at night.

that is all.

”love isn’t made”
my blue jeans are ripped at the seams
and my hair is all tied up in reams
i have a dollar for all my effed up dreams
and when i sleep the lovely screams

i took all your bull shit and ran
now we live in empty houses when we can
i like my covers heavy so i can turn on the fan
and in the morning we’ll burn a brand new plan

love isn’t made
it’s grown
it’s grown on hearts and hung on heels

i’m all alone but i have a little song
and i’m not in love but i’ve been loving you so long
i’m always at home as long as my heart beats along
and if death could speak it’d say you were strong

love isn’t made
it’s grown
it’s grown on hearts and hung on heels
it’s grown on hearts it’s grown on hearts