it’s christmas. exactly three minutes in. i can hear mom breathing in the next room over. makie left some cookies and milk out for santa. she poured it in one of her sippy cups, and the cookies are animals. i don’t know, lying here in the dark, if that milk is still out, or if jas drank it before he went to bed and took a bite out of the cookies so that mak’s belief in santa is still intact in the morning. it’s weird, to think that christmas felt that way once. don’t get me wrong, it still feels like a small part of the world reaches down and wraps it’s arms around you for a second, and makes you feel completely safe; completely known.. but the sheer excitement about being alive somehow fades a little. and i wonder sometimes why we ever lose that childlike wonder as we grow old. where does it go? christmas brings it back, if even a little. i went to church with my family tonight for the first time in years and it felt nice. it felt like home. and here we are, all sleeping under the same roof again. all but sister. my heart could just burst.

and it’s christmas. i can barely sleep..