i’ve found myself being quite nostalgic this past week.  maybe it was being home for the holidays.  maybe it’s the new year; that feeling like i’m somehow supposed to say goodbye to everything i knew in 2010.  i’ve never been too good at goodbyes.  or maybe it’s just the newness in general.  all this unknown.  i feel more loved than i have in a long time and more alone than i have in a long time.  i don’t know what any of that means, except that i’m alive.  and it’s a new year.  and already i’m just bursting.. bursting at the thought of all that will be uncovered and all that will be shared and learned and discovered and created.  just bursting..     

james blake//lindesfarne ii

and there goes my heart again.. swallowing me up completely.

get me outta here. my bones ache and my legs are bound to get spider veins with all this sitting. how long does it actually take to develop those? i keep closing my eyes to stop them from crossing. but they just keep falling towards each other, pulling my eyelids as they go. i’d give anything to just lay down in my soft bed and stay there till winter. to let all the curling sinews loose in these muscles of mine; all the thoughts swirling around inside my head out. i need to get some pouring done. but i can’t do a damn thing just sitting at this desk watching the glow of my computer screen get more and more blurred. and this is my life. this is not my life. i live in the ephemeral space between here and there, constantly bursting and constantly fading. wake me up. cuz in the morning i’ll be making a brand new map and these tired limbs will be flailing towards a brand new day. i’m alive goddamn it.

this morning i had a moment of pure and utter contentment while sitting in the sun at buzz coffee. it was a kind of happiness that made my skin fit a little better, the kind that made the whole entire world suddenly become twenty times more alive than it had been. it’s strange for me to write about this kind of feeling. it’s been so long since living has done anything but hurt. the fact that i can wake up in the morning and not feel like there’s been a huge rock on my chest all night is becoming more normal. i can breathe again. i can register happiness when i experience it now. i seem to be having more and more moments like this; where everything seems to be how it should be, if even for a moment. and now i’m driving home at 3 in the morning, tom jones is playing on the radio and i can’t help but begin to burst at the seams a little. everything is just so damn beautiful, and i think just maybe there is no limit to how wonderful i could let this stupid little thing called life be..