this morning i had a moment of pure and utter contentment while sitting in the sun at buzz coffee. it was a kind of happiness that made my skin fit a little better, the kind that made the whole entire world suddenly become twenty times more alive than it had been. it’s strange for me to write about this kind of feeling. it’s been so long since living has done anything but hurt. the fact that i can wake up in the morning and not feel like there’s been a huge rock on my chest all night is becoming more normal. i can breathe again. i can register happiness when i experience it now. i seem to be having more and more moments like this; where everything seems to be how it should be, if even for a moment. and now i’m driving home at 3 in the morning, tom jones is playing on the radio and i can’t help but begin to burst at the seams a little. everything is just so damn beautiful, and i think just maybe there is no limit to how wonderful i could let this stupid little thing called life be..

that was a good night. i haven’t sat by a fire in a long time, and now I smell like smoke, like the popping of logs and like hot ember and blue flames. my heart emits a similar smell. hot, bright, and burning. i got into the fanfarlo show for free because i was late. it was worth it too, because i didn’t have to pay and i got to have my soul soothed by the plightful playing of those wildly talented humans. my heart doesn’t hurt. not here. not here where everything is so beautiful. it’s nearly midnight and here i am sitting under all this light. rows and rows of it. it’s the one place in los angeles that is always bright, no matter how dark it is outside of this place. and i don’t think anything can get to me here. i feel safe. i feel happy. with this music in my headphones everything seems perfect. right now. i’ll never be younger than i am in this very moment. everything that happens is from now on. i’m really starting to like myself and i’m beginnig to think that all of the things i didn’t think i could do, i can do now. it sounds dumb, but there comes a time in life when i think you really just see what you’ve been dealt, and you can either accept it or fight it. i have found that in accepting it, i’m more free to actually live it. i am, in fact, my own experience.

it’s getting cold. but the winter is almost over. soon the grass will grow again and i’ll wake up feeling alive and I’ll start falling in love with everthing i see and every person i meet. every day will start to feel like a fucking shock of warm blood all through my entire body.  nothing but bare feet and melty bodies and sunshine.  just sunshine sunshine sunshine..

boys in classy specs, classy threads, smoking classy cigs and holding classic cameras make me short of breath. everything about this photo is heaven.  i love.

i.love.

for a second the whole entire world was contained inside that box.  and i think i could have quite possibly stayed inside forever.  we went and saw patrick watson at the largo the other night.  it was magic.  those four men and their instruments, like extensions of their own souls; the coffee in my hands, and those warm bodies all letting me know that everything was okay.  and it was.  it was perfect.  nights like that make me wish that i were in love.  but i suppose i already am; with everything.  nights like that make me want to sit and unravel the whole universe.  and i could have made that gorgeous sound the object to which i would inflict all of my unplaced love upon and all of my bursting gratitude to, and died completely happy.  music. you may be one of the few things that has the ability to reach inside of me and turn me completely inside out.  nights like that make me realize that i already am in love, that i already am unravelling the universe, that living everyday as if it’s the first day of my life really isn’t all that impossible.

and it’s nights like that.