i usually don’t experience my extreme cases of wanderlust until summertime, but for whatever reason, it’s arrived early and all i want to do is fly south for the winter. or north. or any direction really, ha. it’s really quite unruly when this said wanderlust hits because all i can think about is how great it would be to be climbing trees or building forts or bombing down hills on long boards. or playing music barefooted out of the back of old pick up trucks or laying in open fields with no where to go. or laughing in the middle of empty forests or eating watermelons picked right from the watermelon patch or just lying in a foreign room in a foreign place doing nothing at all but just existing, which sometimes can be foreign in and of itself. and i love every second of it. all of this extra energy makes me want to create everything and do everything and i always end up surprising myself in the end with what i had no idea i could even do. wanderlust in full effect.

tonight it rained and everything smelled alive. like moss wrapping itself all over loose limbs. like that fresh layer of skin after stepping out of the shower. and it seems that the night air could just wrap me up entirely..

but i can’t write half the things i want to, like my brain grew fingers and fastened themselves around all those words i’ve been trying to let go of. all those words i can’t get into songs or drawings or pictures.. or just, words. and not even the rain is washing them loose.

that was a good year. a good year indeed.

this time last year i had a decision to make- get busy living or get busy dying. i had just had a year of complete and utter wretchedness. i was so depressed that i had literally begun to just waste away. i couldnt breathe half the time. i could feel the weight of all the lives i wasn’t living crushing down on my bones. but then something happened over new years last year. i was with my absolute most favorite human beings in the universe, exploding our hearts all over the city of san francisco, and i was somehow reminded that i was alive. and i remembered that i really liked that feeling. being alive. and so i decided to start living again.

and live i did. i lived until i couldn’t feel all that weight anymore. i lived until my heart exploded and until my skin ripped off and until i fell in love five times a day and until all i could possibly hold came welling out of me like fire and i lived like i actually liked living. and i do. so very much.

that was a good year. a good year indeed.

summer is ending and all i wanna do is fling myself into the sky one last time. or lay in the middle of the street. or jump off of a cliff into a clear pool of sunlit water, holding the hands of the hearts i love. if we could just stay here a little longer. if we could just hold our breaths and make time move a little slower. if we could only. summer is ending, but somewhere along the way, i began. my skin began to fit, my heart began to swell, my feet began to move. let’s build a raft and get ourselves out of here. let’s climb the highest trees and hang our limbs out of the back seat windows of the car. play the music a little louder so our ears stay wide awake. summer is ending, but everything is more alive than ever.

it’s hard not to pay attention when you get your face smashed into the ground.  its been a strange week and a half.  i lost my voice, acquired a crazy stalker, got my voice back, then pummeled myself head first into some lawn chairs, and now i’ve got blisters lining the insides of my throat.  i’ve teetered between the thoughts of, ‘am i dying?’ and ‘good god, i’ve never felt more alive in my life.’

it’s some effed up shit.  but i’ve realized.. this is living.  and i love it.  something about feeling constant physical pain mixed with the unsettling feeling caused by a crazy person’s ‘affections’ for you just kind of wakes you up a bit.  and suddenly everything around me is humming that old familiar tune that is beauty and life..  

so congratulations me, you’re alive.  

this morning i had a moment of pure and utter contentment while sitting in the sun at buzz coffee. it was a kind of happiness that made my skin fit a little better, the kind that made the whole entire world suddenly become twenty times more alive than it had been. it’s strange for me to write about this kind of feeling. it’s been so long since living has done anything but hurt. the fact that i can wake up in the morning and not feel like there’s been a huge rock on my chest all night is becoming more normal. i can breathe again. i can register happiness when i experience it now. i seem to be having more and more moments like this; where everything seems to be how it should be, if even for a moment. and now i’m driving home at 3 in the morning, tom jones is playing on the radio and i can’t help but begin to burst at the seams a little. everything is just so damn beautiful, and i think just maybe there is no limit to how wonderful i could let this stupid little thing called life be..

well, i missed photo friday and this is why.  these people make my heart work better.  i wish we could start a commune and live out the rest of our dying days together like the lost kids of neverland.  maybe one day.  nothing is better.  

also, let this song destroy you..

clive tanaka//i want you (so bad)

i decided tonight as i washed the summer from my feet before bed that it was going to be more words from me for a while. just more writing. more pouring. more honesty. and as the clear water pooling under my feet turned black i realized that i’ve got to stop trying to fix people. ‘fix yourself first.. the water’s still a little murky’. so i went to bed with clean feet and a heart ready to wake up and live another day. really, truly live.