god, we were acting like a bunch of high schoolers.  smoking in my car in the parking lot of mcdonalds out of a homemade bong; all of our bodies crumbling on top of one another, twisting around seats and stick shifts and steering wheels to try to form a circle, some kind of bond.  we laughed at the absurdity of it all.  we laughed at each other.  we laughed like we were doing something we weren’t supposed to; like maybe it had the chance of irreparably fucking some small part of our lives up if we were caught.  we laughed because we knew it didn’t matter.  nothing mattered.  and it rained outside.  it never rained.  and all the windows fogged up until we couldn’t see anything.  my finger tip wrote out slow and cold, ”i see you” on the driver side window, but no one saw.  and when it came to my turn i stumbled to know how to make my hands do what i wanted them to.  nothing worked right.  goddamn, and we just didn’t care.  i looked in your eyes and felt like i could see so far into your soul that i might just shatter right there in the front seat.  you’d have to scrape me up in piles to get me to move from here.  we just all loved each other so much.  and i started to wonder if any of this was even real; if it was love i was really feeling or if i was just so void of all feeling that it seemed like i could be anything i wanted.  love.  hate.  happy.  hopeful.  it was all me sitting there, nothing, like i was trapped between a pair of quotation marks just waiting to be filled.  we weren’t laughing anymore.  our bodies were cold but we didn’t want to move.  so we just sat there.  and we let slight smiles creep from our faces and we knew that we were alive.  and that was enough.

we were acting like such real human beings.  honest.  happy.  fucked up.  hopeless.  and we laughed again as we lit our cigarettes and felt our lives slipping away with the rain.