stuff & things

i’ve been trying to write something for days, not knowing what it really is that seems to be trying to get out. so i’ve been reading a lot of books. i’ve been reading three books at once, which is rare since i hardly ever read books. and when i do, i rarely finish it. but i am covetous of words; covetous of someone else’s life to wrap all of this welling love around. i am desirous of everything and everyone. but i can’t seem to get it out. i’ve been lying awake each night this week.. for hours, just staring up at the glow in the dark stars i put on the ceiling until all their shine is gone. and i’m stuck again. but i don’t know if i’m stuck so much as i’m just bursting. bursting from the smash of life i got pounded into my face and knees and heart in the last week and a half. bursting from silly kisses stolen in the back of taxi cabs, or ridiculous dance moves in a club where everyone else cares about looking cool. bursting from all the shapes and lines and colors spilling from my hands onto sketchbooks. bursting from songs sung to someone else’s music; songs of my own sung to no one. bursting from all the laughs shared and all the beautiful music being played by beautiful people. bursting from all the possibility growing in my future,from all the possibility i can’t even see yet. just..bursting. and i don’t know how to pour it all out, or who to pour it on, or why even. but i think maybe it’s seeping out of me in ways i’m not even aware of. maybe i don’t have to try. maybe i just have to keep living. keep devouring. there’s just too much Life, and i’m wanting it in the most ravenous of ways.

well today’s photo is not so much a photo as it is well.. a drawing.  so deal with it.  as you can see, it’s taking me some time to really get over the traumatic events of last week.  but i think this helped.  moving on!  praise the sweet lord it is friday!  

get me outta here. my bones ache and my legs are bound to get spider veins with all this sitting. how long does it actually take to develop those? i keep closing my eyes to stop them from crossing. but they just keep falling towards each other, pulling my eyelids as they go. i’d give anything to just lay down in my soft bed and stay there till winter. to let all the curling sinews loose in these muscles of mine; all the thoughts swirling around inside my head out. i need to get some pouring done. but i can’t do a damn thing just sitting at this desk watching the glow of my computer screen get more and more blurred. and this is my life. this is not my life. i live in the ephemeral space between here and there, constantly bursting and constantly fading. wake me up. cuz in the morning i’ll be making a brand new map and these tired limbs will be flailing towards a brand new day. i’m alive goddamn it.

oh dear it’s photo friday and i almost forgot.. 

what a week it has been. 

it’s hard not to pay attention when you get your face smashed into the ground.  its been a strange week and a half.  i lost my voice, acquired a crazy stalker, got my voice back, then pummeled myself head first into some lawn chairs, and now i’ve got blisters lining the insides of my throat.  i’ve teetered between the thoughts of, ‘am i dying?’ and ‘good god, i’ve never felt more alive in my life.’

it’s some effed up shit.  but i’ve realized.. this is living.  and i love it.  something about feeling constant physical pain mixed with the unsettling feeling caused by a crazy person’s ‘affections’ for you just kind of wakes you up a bit.  and suddenly everything around me is humming that old familiar tune that is beauty and life..  

so congratulations me, you’re alive.